As many of you know, We lost a baby girl in October of 2014. I was 17 weeks along. Here is our story.
In late July 2014, we found out we were pregnant with our third baby. I remember very vividly feeling super nervous the minute I saw the test was positive. I couldn’t get over that nervous feeling the entire time I was pregnant. Before I knew I was pregnant, both Andy and I felt very strongly that our next baby was going to be a girl. We have two boys that are 2 years apart and have loved having them so close in age, and have enjoyed watching them together. We would have been completely happy to have another boy of course, but there was just something so intriguing about having a girl.
After finding out I was pregnant, we of course started talking about names. Names have never been an easy thing for us to decide on and we always end up deciding on the ONE name we agree on… it’s usually decided the last day in the hospital. This time around was different. There were two names that I brought to Andy’s attention, one being Lennon for a girl. Right from the get-go, he felt that was it. He kept telling me over and over that it was a girl and her name would be Lennon.
Right on time, I started getting sick 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant. I was a lot sicker this time around. Granted I did have two busy kiddos to look after, but I was also much sicker. I was on the couch daily and while my 2 yr. old napped, my 4 yr. old watched a movie and I slept. Although I still continued to feel nervous, I was a bit relieved by how sick I was. I was always told, the sicker you are, the healthier your baby. Right at 12 weeks, we broke the news to our boys, which we have recorded in the cutest video ever https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XHATUiSnOw . Immediately after telling them, we told our families, and then the world.
Fast forward a couple weeks, I heard about a new procedure from a friend of mine, that meant you could find out the sex of your baby as early as 9 weeks along. I literally was dying to know and was willing to do anything to find out what we were having. I called up my friend, got all the info, and the next day talked to my doctor about it. I was told that the procedure was simply a blood test that literally looked at the genetics of your baby. Apparently the actual genetics test is common, it’s one of the tests they do when you choose to do genetic testing. The new thing is while they are looking at the genes, they look to find out the sex of your baby. With that being said, it is 100% correct. The company that does this procedure, had been promoting it and offered the test for $20.00. To me, this was a NO BRAINER. I went in, got my blood drawn and was told that within 2 to 3 weeks, I would know the sex of my baby. I was soo excited! Every appointment I went to after that, the baby’s heart beat was strong and healthy. My doc also told me that judging off of the heart rate, it was a girl. I just knew deep down that it was.
In early October I had my last appointment at 12 weeks and was told all sounded well and I was officially out of the “danger zone”. All was looking good, I was starting to show and was really excited to start another adventure as a mother of three. Two weeks later our family went to Utah to visit both of our families. I was 14 weeks at this point and started again feeling really nervous about the baby. NOTE: I am typically an anxious person, but this time it was just different. I started wondering why I hadn’t felt her yet. With both the boys I felt them early on. I kept feeling like I just wanted to hear her heartbeat. When we first got to Utah, I remember specifically saying that to my sis in law. Our trip to Utah was both good and bad. Andy was there a short time like always and of course the minute he left, my oldest got sick. What’s a vacation without a fever or the pukes right? He thankfully got over it quickly, but then days later, I pulled out my back and could barely walk. Luckily I knew an amazing Chiropractor that came to my rescue. While at the chiropractor, they put me on a machine that helps loosen you up through electrodes. I specifically asked the guy before doing it, if it could kill my baby. He laughed and said absolutely not. I felt ok about doing it at that point, and went ahead with the treatment. I had to do the treatment for two days until the day I left back home. Luckily by the time I left, I was feeling a bit better.
Rewind back a couple days. Before I threw out my back, I received a call from my doctors office. They left a message saying they got my test results back. I was shaking I was so excited. When I called them back, I was in the car with both boys and they were sound asleep. The nurse answered and told me I had my test results back. She told me all looked well genetically and then asked if I wanted to know the gender. I said YES! ABSOLUTELY!! “She said are you sure?!!” I was dying at this point. She then said, IT’S A GIRL!! I started screaming at the top of my lungs. (who cares if the boys are sleeping right?) I was on cloud 9! I then started thinking of ways to tell everyone. I of course had to tell Andy first. Unfortunately, it was anti climatic with him since he was far away, but this is the text I sent.
The next day I told my family by passing out nutrigrain bars. I told everyone that if it was strawberry then girl and blueberry for boy. This was so exciting for me, cuz with both our boys, we have never been around our family to reveal the gender. When they all bit into strawberry, it was quite a party! Except for my oldest was not pleased. He was so hoping for another brother.
I revealed it to Andy’s family next by sending out a text of a dress and a boy outfit and asked which one they thought it was.
The next day I got to see Andy’s family. Everyone was so excited for me and saying I must be so relieved now that I now know we will have a girl. (I was a bit worried we never would) It literally was perfect in every way. We were having a girl, she was due April 5, 2015 ( Easter Sunday) but would be born on March 28th via C-section, ( I don’t dilate) she was coming just before spring. No hot summer pregnancy, no winter sickness, it was perfect!
On Sat. October 25th, we returned home from Utah. I was exhausted from all the sickness, visits and back problems, and I was ready for a break. On Sunday evening, I noticed a tiny pink spot in my underwear. At first I thought I was seeing things, but then later that day, I noticed a bit more. I have never bled during either pregnancy, so obviously this was disturbing. I went and told Andy and of course we both immediately got on the internet. Surprisingly, the internet calmed my worries a bit. Everything said “red blood” is a red flag and that most likely it would be fine. I then texted sisters and friends asking if they had ever bled during pregnancy. Most answers were no. Some yes. Most people said, I am sure you are fine. It’s probably from all the stress you’ve been under. The next day, Monday, I went into the doctor. On my way there, I tried to prep myself for what might be in store for me. I thought about what I would do if I got bad news. The unfortunate part about this situation, was I was alone. I told my husband I would be fine going alone. LET ME ADVISE THIS…IF YOU ARE BLEEDING WHILE PREGNANT, BRING YOUR SPOUSE OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER ALONG! DON’T FACE IT ALONE! I got into the office and honestly the nurse told me she thought it would be fine since it was tiny spots of at this point “old blood” Meaning nothing red. She lifted up my shirt to put the heart rate monitor on set the cold thing on my belly and… nothing. The only sound we could hear was the sound of my heart pounding so, so hard! I watched as the nurses face went from pleasant to concerned. She tried to tell me that maybe the baby was in a position that was difficult to hear the heart and that I would need to go get an ultrasound. I knew, at that moment, that what she was saying was not the case. Every time in my visits before, her heart beat was detected quickly. I walked into that dark room to get the ultrasound and I just couldn’t hold it together. I broke down before she even got the camera on me. I told them I was sorry and that I was just nervous. I will never forget the picture I saw next. I looked on the monitor and to my horror saw my tiny baby girl, her back facing me, looking like she had curled up to go to sleep. No movement whatsoever. I started saying “SHE’S NOT MOVING!” “SHE’S NOT MOVING!” “SHE’S GONE ISN’T SHE? Both the nurses took me in their arms and said ” I am so sorry sweetie! This should NEVER happen to anyone!” “Feel free to scream and yell! Do whatever you need.” All I could do is sit there and sob in their arms. They tried to call Andy a few times, but no answer. My pain immediately turned to anger towards him. “Why doesn’t he ever answer when I call?” I thought. “He’s just always so busy.” After a bit he called me back. I told him what happened. His reply was “do you want me to meet you?” “I’m so sorry babe!” I was so upset at him for not answering the phone, that I told him no and that I just wanted to be alone. DON’T DO THAT EITHER! YOU NEED YOUR SUPPORT! I got in the car and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. What was I thinking? I could have never prepared myself for such horrible news.
At this point, the news was out to the world and I knew I would have to face everyone. I had to get the news out right away. I didn’t want to have one person bump into me and talk to me about my baby. I immediately told our families. Right away I got many phone calls and texts. Everyone sending their sympathies and mourning with me. I went home to silence. Both my boys were at preschool and I literally was in shock at what to do next. I went to the couch and screamed and cried into the couch pillows. Literally did that at the top of my lungs. I calmed down a bit and then texted my close friends and just after that released it to the world.
One of my friends literally showed up at the door within minutes. She grabbed me and cried with me and then later brought a comfort basket full of relaxing things. She had been through a miscarriage before at ten weeks and knew the pain it would bring. One of my other friends who was just 5 weeks behind me in pregnancy, showed up a bit later with presents for the boys and feel better treats for me. She also cried with me. Andy picked the boys up from school and broke the news to them. It was obviously hard for them to comprehend. So much so that my older son said, “oh well now we can have a brother instead”. That didn’t exactly rub me the right way, but I knew his little mind was too immature to actually get what was going on.
The next 24 hrs. were purely painful. There were many tears. Many in front of my children that they were far from used to. I had my oldest son come in with a “four leaf clover” and said “here mom, this is to make you happy” of course, I took a picture of it.
That night after getting the news, my doctor called me and told me my options. She told me that a D&C was an option, but the baby was just so big that they would literally be pulling her body apart and throwing away arms and legs. Not to mention there was a danger in puncturing my uterus. The next option would be to labor. I have never been able to dilate. That concerned me. I was also concerned about the fact that I have had two C-sections. There was a risk that I could have some problems later if I dilated. I told the doc I would think about it. She did however suggest Labor and delivery. I got off the phone and talked to Andy. There was no doubt in our minds that we couldn’t handle the thought of destroying our baby. I started talking to people. This of course is when opinions started coming in. These opinions were definitely out of genuine concern for me, but during a time of such pain, opinions can come across as hurtful and insensitive. So, we turned to the Lord. At first, I didn’t want to. I was mad at him. How could he let this happen? Why did he take her from me? Why did he take her from us? Why do other people get to have their babies and I don’t? What did I do? Haven’t I been faithful? With all these questions in mind, I knew I needed a priesthood blessing. If you are not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, a priesthood blessing is according to Wikipedia “a prayer for healing, comfort or counsel given by a Melchizedek Priesthood holder, who lays his hands on the head of the person receiving the blessing.” Priesthood blessings are considered to be non-saving ordinances by Latter-day Saints”. Wikipedia puts it better then me. The Relief Society president ( the leader over the women’s organization) in our church had heard about our experience and contacted the Bishop ( the leader of our specific church time), he then called us and we knew we needed him. We asked him to come give me a blessing. Never, in my life, has a blessing been so comforting to me. I knew that what he was saying to me was what my Heavenly Father needed me to hear. When he was finished, I literally felt peace. I was ready to make the dreaded decision. We both felt good about me going through labor. I was absolutely petrified! My body didn’t work the first time I went into labor with my first son and I was terrified the same thing would happen this time. I had to go into this with faith that everything was going to work out the way we needed it to.
I called my doctor back the next day and told her our decision and by that night, I was in the hospital getting ready to be induced
I can truly say I have never felt more sick in my life. I was plain out in denial that this was happening. So much so, that I asked the poor nurse to please put the heart rate monitor on me one last time to make sure there was no heart beat. It was as if I thought, maybe, just maybe Heavenly Father would let her come back. Of course, there was nothing but silence. They gave me the Pitocin and I was well on my way to delivering my baby girl.
That night as I lay in bed just before the contractions started getting bad, I looked over and saw Andy asleep and couldn’t help but feel grateful. After receiving the priesthood blessing from my bishop, Andy and I couldn’t help but look at our life and be so grateful. I started to look at everything in such a different light. I started to realize that EVERYTHING I had been given was truly a gift from my Heavenly Father. I couldn’t help but hold my boys so much tighter and love them so much deeper than I had before. While in that hospital room that night I began to emotionally feel comfort coming from so many prayers. I began to feel so strong and so much peace.
A few hours later, I was in a lot of pain and was terrified of getting the epidural. I can’t stand them. I had one more nurse come and check me and it was so painful ( I have a tilted uterus that is very hard to get to) that I couldn’t take it any longer. At this point, Andy woke up and at that point things became real for him. For some reason he didn’t realize I was going to have to go through full blown labor. He didn’t realize how much pain I was going to be in. He’s never seen me go through it like that. When the doctor came in to give me the epidural, I held onto Andy. Andy has been there for me through two C-sections. He had taken video of them doing all sorts of things to me, but at this specific moment, Andy turned very white and was told to sit down. After I had the epidural, I was feeling much better and felt like I could rest. About 2 hours later, I had some feeling in my legs. I felt like something was about to happen. I then felt some pressure and knew the baby had come. I then called the nurse in. She came in and told me she had come. I then saw the nurse ever so softly pick up my tiny baby and then she brought her to me.
I felt so much peace as I saw my sweet baby girl. As tiny as she was and as painful as it was, I felt like the Lord was with me. Andy on the other hand took things much harder. This was when it all became reality. It was super emotional for him, but was also a very spiritual experience for him. He was so sure that the reason he was set on Lennon so quickly, was because we needed to give her a name. The hospital gave us all the time we needed to spend with her. After that was over, my doctor came in to check me. She said everything looked perfect and she couldn’t of dreamt of it going better. Our prayers had been answered. She then told me they would be doing tests on the baby to see if they could find out what may have happened. She also told me of a blood clotting disorder that some women have that can cause this. She thought that was highly unlikely because I had already had two babies and two C-sections, but she still wanted to test for it.
Later the paperwork came in. We gave her, her name and then decided what we would like to do with her body. They gave us our options and we decided to cremate her and have her ashes spread in a little garden dedicated for other little angel babies just like her. The chaplain then came in and gave us much advice in what to expect. She talked about grief and how we would go through it differently. She said we would need to communicate because if we didn’t our marriage could fall apart. She talked about the difficulties we would face as we were around other pregnant people. She talked about how difficult it would be when my due date came around and that i would not want to attend baby showers. She also touched on when to plan for our next child and that we make sure we don’t overlook Lennon. She talked about the hormones I would experience and that it would just like as if I had had her full term. All of her points really stuck out to me, but the one thing that stuck out the most to me that day was, she said no matter what, I needed to heal and put myself first. That day I was in so much shock and we had so many people praying for us, that I felt nothing but peace. I literally felt like I was going to be just fine and wondered if I would even go through the grieving process. I honestly had no idea what was in store.