As the story goes on, our friends left and I continued to isolate. I had a hard time wanting to go anywhere. I continued to focus on my children and being Thankful, along with being prayerful. At this point, Andy and I still weren’t talking about her. He was also isolating in his own way. By trying to forget. I tried to think of ways to help my children understand the importance of being grateful for the small things. We did little activities to help encourage them to learn.
Focusing on other things did help me to an extent, but I was still having a difficult time wanting to be around friends, or going to social events, church etc. I knew I needed to try and be social, cuz it would lift my spirits, but I just didn’t want to. The more I isolated myself, the more I felt alone. I then started to feel insecure and that’s when the anger kicked in. The 2nd stage of grief. I like to say I am someone who truly tries to give people the benefit of the doubt. I like to try and look at all angles of situations and put myself in others shoes, but in this situation, I could see the anger over taking my logic. I started to get mad at everything. Most of it would stay on the inside, but certain things would be talked about with Andy. I would voice how discouraged it made me to see others post pictures of their baby bellies, how much it pained me to be around others who were pregnant. I would say things like, “I don’t get it, why can all these people have babies and I can’t?” I couldn’t see why they were deserving and I wasn’t. I started to feel like my friends and family were forgetting about me and moving on. That angered me. Why don’t they care about me? Let me put this in perspective. I am not in any way trying to make anyone out there feel bad about showing their belly pictures, or make anyone feel I am more deserving then them, or even feel bad for withdrawing from me a bit. I just want to paint a picture for you of what it’s really like to grieve. This is real, this is raw and this is the truth. It’s just simply how I was feeling. I have come to realize after learning much about grief that while in the process, it truly is difficult to see the point of view of others. At times others feelings would cross my mind, but for the most part the only view I was seeing, was a world that kept on going, while mine had stopped. Now being able to step back a little and look at that time in the process for me, I now realize that everyone has their own way of coping. The last article put it perfectly and has since helped me to better understand what others may have been going through at the time.
From the article: It will be hard for other people to see you in pain. Their reactions may sometimes seem cold. Some may tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Others may be so scared by what you are going through that they withdraw completely from you, as if death could be contagious. Their reactions are not about you. They are about their emotions and fear surrounding your loss.
Before going through this myself, that is exactly the way I would have responded to someone else’s pain. I would most likely have written them a kind supportive message at the beginning and then moved on, thinking about them often, wondering about them, but being too afraid to bring up their pain or ask them how they were doing. I would have to say this is how most people react to these types of situations. It’s not a bad thing. People genuinely care for others. But don’t typically know how to be of support as time goes on.
Now that I have gone through this, I have learned to act on my thoughts. Or at least try harder to act on them. I’ve learned to ask how people are doing especially when it’s been a while since their incident. I’ve simply learned that it’s ok to bring things up. If they don’t want to talk about it, they won’t. But most people will benefit if they do.
Just a little sweet quote that my friend sent me today. I just had to add it because it was perfect!