Grief during the Holidays

The month of November was not easy, as I was transitioning from shock to anger and still wanting to isolate. For the past four years, we have had a tradition to go to Sea World, San Antonio on Thanksgiving Day. We always go with good friends, who also don’t have family close by and it has been a blast. The park isn’t all that busy and the weather is usually nice. It’s just always been a fun way to celebrate.

This years trip, was not exactly exciting me as much as usual. I was homesick. I felt like I just wanted to have a traditional Thanksgiving where I got to be with family while everyone else made the food ha! I didn’t feel like going out and getting on rides and hiding my emotions. We were going to be going with some of our favorite friends,  One of then being my very close friend that I love dearly.  She was 5 weeks behind me on her pregnancy. Our loss had caused a bit of distance in our relationship considering the circumstances. She too had felt our loss and it pained her to be around us, especially while she was continuing to grow and I wasn’t. She has since said to me, that she wanted to hide her belly. She has also said how much she would think of me, but wasn’t sure how to deal with the situation. At that time, I’m not sure either of us knew.

The month went on, and I decided I needed to have the Thanksgiving dinner I was missing out on every year. We still planned on going to Sea World, but I wanted to do both. I wanted my boys to understand Thanksgiving and why we have it. (not think it’s about Sea World) So, we made it happen! Two of our close friends and their families along with us, pulled off a beautiful Thanksgiving.

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Having to plan things for Thanksgiving dinner was a great distraction for me. I got out, went shopping for decorations and got excited to show the boys what it was all about. We had a great time. ( although at the time I was dieting, wanting to loose that baby weight) OBVIOUS ADVICE: DON’T DIET OVER THE HOLIDAYS!

Our early Thanksgiving was over. So next came Sea World.

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On our way to Sea World, Andy and I began to talk about things a little bit. We talked about our plans for the future and when we would like to try to have another baby. We were both on different pages. Andy’s thoughts were to wait for a while. My thoughts were to try again as soon as my body regulated. This conversation came as a surprise to both of us. Andy was surprised how soon I wanted to start and I was surprised how long he wanted to wait. It got us into a discussion, which led to me getting in touch with some of my feelings. I expressed how EMPTY I was feeling and that I felt like getting pregnant would help that void. I was fighting back tears and feeling a lot of emotion while talking to him. Andy then made his point. A very valid point. He told me what stuck out to him that day in the hospital, while talking to the Chaplain. The Chaplain had mentioned for us to not try and replace our baby and to allow time to mourn and grieve her death. He told me that he didn’t want to just overlook her and replace her. He felt like there needed to be that gap there between her and Watts, our youngest. He then mentioned how surprised he was that I wanted to try so soon. By the end of our conversation, we had decided that we would try and be prayerful and go with what the Lord wanted…whatever that may be. There was no more talk of it after this for a few weeks.

Once we got to SeaWorld, we had a great trip.

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Being with friends really was good for me. We all still had our time away from each other, but would get together to meet up for shows and a few rollercoasters. Truthfully, I think the rollercoasters were JUST WHAT I NEEDED! They brought so much joy and laughter to me that day. My friend’s husband is terrified of rollercoaster and heights, not to mention they make him get motion sickness. With that being said, we made him come with us on one of the rides. It’s was the best decision he ever made…it made us DIE LAUGHING! We so needed that! This picture explains it all! (He and his dad are the one’s in front of us).

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