How To Adress Miscarriage Pain With Your Pregnant Friends

Some of our friends (the ones who were 5 weeks behind our due date) decided to have a last minute New Years Eve party. We of course gladly went, and it was well put together and so much fun! IMG_2541

We enjoyed being around our friends, but there was still some of that distance between us. We never talked about our situation. It was never brought up. They never spoke of Lennon and we never spoke of their baby that she was pregnant with. I could feel the pain that was happening between us. It killed me to feel the strange vibes we had. They had been our family away from family for over two years and they mean the world to us. I had many late night talks with Andy over this situation. I knew there was pain on both sides. There was pain for Andy and I, because we felt like we could be losing them. There was pain for me just simply because they were pregnant and I was not. It wasn’t about them, it was that way for me with anybody who was pregnant. Even the random lady at the grocery store. For them, there was pain from watching us go through this, pain from feeling like they were losing their friends and pain from feeling guilty for being pregnant. Nobody was in the wrong for their feelings. It was all completely natural. Throughout the whole process, I had continually felt like I needed to talk to her. I felt like it was super important to make sure she knew that it was ok to be pregnant and that she needed to allow herself to be ok with that. I knew I would need to talk to her when we were both ready to address such a sensitive conversation. I had to be prayerful and allow the Lord to prepare me for that day. Just after New Years, I started to feel stronger than ever, that it was time to talk to her. I knew that it still was not going to be easy for me to see her pregnant, and that it may never be. (again, it was that way for me with all pregnant women) But I knew the conversation needed to happen and hoped it would somehow break the ice and make things easier between us. Just as I was getting to the point of contacting her, I received this email from her. (she gave me permission to post this)

Hey Beka, I know this is random for me to be emailing you, but I just have been thinking about you a lot and just wanted to let you know that. I know I have been in situations where I am sad and down for one reason or another and at first it seems like everyone sympathizes with you and cares and then over time it seems like everyone has moved on with life and forgotten, but you yourself haven’t. And I am sure that is how you feel and I just wanted to let you know that I pray for you every day and that I have not forgotten at all. I think about you and Andy and Lennon quite often and just want you to know that. I know nothing I do or say will make it any better but just wanted you to know how much I think about you and pray for you still. And still if there is anything I can ever do, I am here for you. Again sorry this is so random and out of the blue, but just have really been thinking about you lots and wanted you to know! Love you Beka!!!

That email was just what I needed from her. She was inspired to send it. It made me know it was time for us to talk. I sent her a text the next day and asked her to come play at my house with her kids. When she got here, the kids went off to play, and I got right to it. I told her that I felt we needed to talk. We talked about all sorts of things and of course shed many tears. She helped me to see how hard this had been on her and I helped her to see that she needed to be ok with being pregnant. I wanted her to know that I would forever feel guilty if that baby wasn’t announced the same way her others were just because of me. I wanted that baby to have the same treatment as her others did. She expressed her appreciation in me saying that. This was when she mentioned wanting to hide her belly and feeling awkward. I told her at that time that I was happy for her but sad for me. I told her it may still be difficult for me to ask about her baby, but that I will come around. We were both very honest with one another and it was a weight lifted off of both of our shoulders. It was a talk that was needed and I am grateful it happened.

I feel like this was the right choice for me. I didn’t want a friendship to be destroyed because of pain. I just couldn’t bare that thought. Not everyone will handle things this way, it may be too difficult. But I will say that if a painful talk can keep a beautiful friendship, then it will be forever worth it. Do it in your own time, but my advice is to do it.

Here is a link that may be helpful to those that are pregnant and have friends who had a miscarriage.


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