Should we try again?

After talking with my friend and gaining a better understanding of the situation, I was starting to feel a bit better and things were looking up a little. A few days later, I realized that I had never gotten back my blood test results that they had taken a while back. They were taken to find out if I may have a blood clotting issue that could have caused Lennon to pass away. At the time that I had gotten the blood tests done, my doc told me that it was highly unlikely that I had that issue because I had already had two babies and two C-sections. She said my babies would be considered miracle babies if I did have the problem though. She then told me that people with blood clotting issues have to be on a blood thinner their entire pregnancy to prevent clots from happening. With all this being said, I still hadn’t heard from her. I sent her an email to find out if she had forgotten me. This was the email she sent in return.

IMG_4855After reading that, I got a little concerned and wasn’t sure what to think. Later that day her nurse called me and set up an appointment for me to come talk to my doctor. When I went in to meet with her, she told me that she had talked to many specialists and after looking at my genetics testing, they decided I would need to be on a blood thinner the entire pregnancy next time I got pregnant. Normally I would think ok, no big deal. But then she told me  that the medicine consisted of daily injections into my stomach. OH BOY! I am literally a wuss when it comes to needles. I just don’t do well with them. I was shocked she was saying all of this to me. I mean how did I never clot with 2 surgeries ( C-sections) and two baby’s? Naturally for me, I didn’t question a thing and said ok. Then I went home and told Andy. Naturally for him, he QUESTIONED everything. Ha! He wanted a second opinion.

After we talked about it for a bit, I began to agree with Andy and thought a second opinion would probably be a good idea. I then called my sister in law who’s father in law is a OBGYN. I asked her if she could have him call me. The next day I talked with him. He was very kind and very willing to listen to me. He told me that a second opinion from a specialist definitely wouldn’t hurt, but most likely there would be a chance that I would have to be on blood thinners while pregnant. He then told me to get pregnant when we were ready and then go see the specialists. After speaking with him, I emailed my doctor and asked her if what he told me would work for her. She said absolutely and thought a second opinion was a good idea.

This new information did bring up some feelings of frustration towards my body, but I decided I wouldn’t let it get to me too much. Next I started to prepare for the Disney excursion we would be going on with my in laws. We only had three weeks until we were going and I started to try and focus on that. I started eating healthy and working out again. I was starting to feel a bit more like me. And the excitement for the trip definitely helped me stay distracted.

After having Lennon, while in the hospital, we were told that we should wait at least two cycles before trying to get pregnant again. By this point, I had been through two cycles and Andy and I discussed whether or not we wanted to try this time around. We both decided to just go with it and see what happens. There has never been a time where it has been difficult for us to get pregnant. We have always gotten pregnant on our first try. We knew I would be ovulating the week before Disney, so we just kinda went with it. Hoping things would work out if they were supposed to.

We went on our Disney excursion the next week. We had a blast. The boys had no idea that we were going and it was quite a treat when they saw Disney World and then the next day the cruise ship. The only bummer while on our trip was our oldest getting sea sick. There was not a night that passed by while we were on the ship that I didn’t have some sort of bodily fluid down my clothes. Never the less, that didn’t stop us from enjoying ourselves. While we were there, Andy’s parents asked me how I was doing and allowed me to talk to them a little about what I had been going through. I appreciated them being comfortable with asking me. I hadn’t talked to many others about it much except for a close friend of mine and Andy. During the rest of the trip I didn’t think much about our situation, but I was starting to question if I was pregnant.

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My last two pregnancies, I knew I was pregnant before I got a positive test. I get round ligament pains very early on and I can feel it in other areas of my body. The first time I sneezed and it hurt like crazy (round ligament pains), I figured ” I’ve got to be pregnant”. I started to get a little nervous, but mostly excited about if I was gonna see a positive test. The week after we got home from the cruise, I was extremely tired. I thought it may be after affects of the vacation, but I was REALLY TIRED. I then got a head cold and thought “Oh maybe that’s why I’m tired.” I felt awful, but didn’t dare take any medicine because of the thought of possibly being pregnant. I was due to have my period in a couple of days, so Andy told me to take a pregnancy test. He said “if it’s positive then you’ll really know that you shouldn’t take medicine.” I was hesitant, but thought,  “what the heck, I’ve taken pregnancy tests early with all my babies and gotten positives. Why not now?” The next morning I woke up and took one. Immediately it turned positive. (the same way it had with all other babies). I knew it! I could feel myself get really excited. I wasn’t nervous, just excited. I immediately went over to my bed got down on my knees and said a prayer. I thanked Heavenly Father for the opportunity to have another one of his children. I then said, “although I want this Heavenly Father, I understand it is not my will, but Thine. Therefore I will try not to be nervous about what is to come. Because if something bad happens, it will be Thy will.” I got done and immediately text Andy.

IMG_4929That night he came home and congratulated me. We talked and I told him I wasn’t nervous, but that I felt good about it. I told him that I was going to choose to not be anxious and let God’s will happen……Two days later, the day before Valentines. I was spotting, then HEAVILY bleeding. All that I said above quickly became in vain. I WAS DEVASTATED. I contacted my doctor. She told me she wasn’t sure what was going on, but has since told me I was definitely pregnant. Very quickly the pain, the anxiety everything that was starting to lighten, came right back. I became an emotional wreck. Back to my daily crying, eating crappy and feeling crappy.

The Sunday after that, I was a mess. The lesson in Relief Society ( women’s organization) was on Living Joyfully Through Troubled Times I was having a really hard time taking this lesson in. I felt at that moment like all my faith had been lost and all hope was gone. I made a comment to one of the teachers questions and I literally couldn’t hold it together. I started crying while talking. I was really embarrassed, but the lesson was amazing and helped me try to gain some hope.

After returning home from church, Andy told me that he had watched an amazing video in his class that really hit home for him. He said it made him think of Lennon and our situation. The movie is on youtube and is called Missionary Work and the Atonement. The actual video is on missionary work. It’s talking about missionaries complaining about why things are so tough. Although it is directed towards missionaries. It is very touching. It really puts things in perspective. After we watched that, I felt uplifted. I appreciated Andy sharing it with me.

Two weeks later, it was time to try again. And two weeks after that, I was late for my period. I didn’t feel pregnant this time around and that was because I wasn’t. I started my period 3 days late. So now we are to the present.


5 thoughts on “Should we try again?

  1. Jessica March 26, 2015 / 10:30 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing your story and testimony. I have a friend who lost her baby when he was 9 days old, and my 15 year old cousin passed away suddenly from diabetes this last summer. So much of what you have shared has helped me know how to talk to them and try and be there for them. I am glad we have kept in touch over the years and will always be grateful that we met so long ago! You are amazing, such a great example to me. I am sorry you are missing your sweet Lennon and I believe she is near to you and watching over you. You and Andy and the boys will be in my prayers.


    • bekaphilipp March 26, 2015 / 11:44 pm

      Wow Jess! Thanks so much for saying something so meaningful! I too am so glad I know you and that we have kept in touch. I am so sorry to hear about your friend! I hope you have sent her this blog. I want to try and help as many people as possible. I am also so, so sorry about your cousin. 15 is so extremely young and I can’t even imagine what your family has gone through with losing her. Loss is tough, it will always be tough. I just pray that through time we can all heal. Thanks for your prayers! Prayers coming right back at ya!


  2. elissecarma March 27, 2015 / 8:26 am

    Beka, this post really hurts my heart. I’m so sorry. Thank you for writing about your experience, I know that isn’t easy. Honestly, it helps me to feel normal in my own grief and anxiety due to recurrent miscarriages. I do think of you and Lennon often. So sorry for your grief.


    • bekaphilipp March 28, 2015 / 11:10 pm

      Thanks so much Elisse! I am so glad we can learn together! Thanks for thinking of us!


  3. elissecarma March 27, 2015 / 8:36 am

    I meant to add, I have to take blood thinning injections daily during pregnancy, and it really sucks but you get used to it. For me, after a few weeks, it doesn’t seem as scary.


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