March

So now we are at the part where I am in the now. This month has been EXTREMELY difficult for me. In some ways I feel it has been the hardest month yet. I knew it would be. At the beginning of the month, we went to Vegas with Andy’s company. Before I went, I decided that I was just gonna let my hair down and have fun. I wasn’t going to be insecure, anxious, mad, or sad. I was just going to have fun and let my quick weekend be a fairy tale. While we were there, the first day we went on dune buggies, that night got our hair and makeup done, went to dinner and went to Michael Jackson ONE Cirque du Soleil. It was really fun. I was myself and tried not to think of anything else but having fun. I was in Vegas right?

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the first thing I saw when I got off the plane. #onlyinvegas
the first thing I saw when I got off the plane. #onlyinvegas
Probably the only people that have requested Sparkling Cider
Probably the only people that have requested Sparkling Cider

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My cool hair
My cool hair
My crazy makeup
My crazy makeup

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The second day the boys went golfing

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while the girls went to the salon. I had heard that they did the famous Balayage (sombre, the natural looking ombre) I had wanted that done for a while, but wasn’t sure about doing it. I decided why not do it in Vegas. I thought it would be fun and they were known for that specific way of coloring, so I thought there could be no harm in it. Well…. I was wrong. Most likely due to crazy hormones, my hair went crazy. It wouldn’t take to the bleach and ended up orange.

BEFORE
BEFORE
What I wanted
What I wanted
After
After

My hair has ALWAYS taken to bleach really well, so this was of course a huge shock to me and quite depressing. Due to the major damage, I had to chop it. It’s never easy to chop your hair, let alone when you don’t want to. But it will grow right.

After that
After that

So, March had a hard beginning, a little fun thrown in there and then continued to get harder. My little brother who has had many health challenges (has had cancer twice), was starting to have some health scares ( luckily all is ok). Those scares on top of having another miscarriage were causing me much anxiety.  So much so that I just couldn’t sleep and was having pins and needles all through my body from carrying so much stress in my back. Not to mention seeing all the people who are due the same time as me post pictures of their healthy, beautiful babies. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy for them! Just sad for me. I had my mother in law in town for a few days and that was nice. We talked a bit about what I have been going through this month and it was nice to get her support.  Since she left, I have tried to focus on my boys and not whether or not I was pregnant, but when I didn’t get pregnant, is when I decided to start this blog. I was feeling so down and discouraged and knew how difficult it was going to be to face March 28th with not much hope in sight for my future. We have since decided to wait. Right now is my time to heal, “our” time to heal. Writing about it has helped. I have started to feel a bit of a weight off my shoulders. I still continue to feel very emotional as we approach Saturday but we’ll get through it.

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2 thoughts on “March

  1. Ashley Guymon (Frischknecht) March 27, 2015 / 12:42 pm

    Beka- I’ve so appreciated your thoughts. As one who has lost before (just early miscarraiges) and struggled with infertility on and off through out life, it is HARD to focus on your blessings. I appreciate that ability you have to focus on your blessings and admit the difficulty in it while seeing so many good/hard things for others. It will get better but it will also get hard again and repeat these cycles. Love and prayers to you. Keep up the fight!

    Like

    • bekaphilipp March 28, 2015 / 11:09 pm

      Thanks so much Ashley! I am so sorry you too have had to go through such difficult things. Life can really be tough sometimes. Thanks so much for reading my blog and going through this journey with me!

      Like

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