I find it very interesting that our sweet Lennon’s due date was on Easter Sunday. Her scheduled C-section was for March 28th, a week earlier, but her due date was April 5th. I feel grateful that I get to have the thought of Christ so close to my heart during a rough time. I think about my Savior and all that he went through at this time. The pain I have bore is not even a miniscule of what he has bore for me. I don’t even think my pain can be compared to others, who have bore far worse than me. I think sometimes it’s hard to fathom that Christ actually took on ALL OF OUR pains. I can’t really comprehend that. I don’t think I am meant to. But, HE DID, and He did it ALONE. This talk is about that, it’s amazing! And worth watching!
As I have mentioned before, there have been so many times during this process that I have felt alone. It’s just a part of the process. Quite honestly, you are somewhat alone, because there is nobody here on this earth that knows EXACTLY how you feel. Even if they have been through something similar. They still aren’t you. But one person that does know EXACTLY how you feel is Christ. He went through far worse than I can even begin to imagine. He never once complained, and he knew all along what he was going to have to face. I can’t imagine I would be ok with knowing something awful was going to be happening in my near future. But HE WAS. He knew what he had to do and didn’t hesitate for a minute to accomplish his task. It is THROUGH HIM that your wounds are HEALED.
Yesterday I heard a story at church that I felt like I could really relate to. I can’t remember who the talk was by, but it really touched my heart. It was about a man telling the story of his wife. His wife was someone who was very active in church. She was the Relief Society president ( leader over the women’s organization), a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister etc. He said that one day, there was a switch that just flipped in her and she went to her bishop and asked to be released from her calling. (relieved of her service as the leader) She was done. There is so much that is required out of you when you serve in the church. Most of the time it is very rewarding, but at times it can be extremely overwhelming, and for her it was. Later that night after hearing about his wife’s decision, the husband came home to talk to her. She wouldn’t talk. She refused for days. He finally cracked her one day. She said. “I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE! No matter how much I do, no matter how hard I try to love everyone, be there for everyone, make things perfect, I FAIL. I know the gospel is true, but I just can’t live up to it. I try not to yell at the kids, but I do, I try to be a good wife, but I’m not etc. etc.”
MOMMY GUILT ( I think Dad’s get this too) is what I like to call this. I feel like everyone gets it. Mom’s are always feeling guilty for something. Whether it be because they work, because they lose their patience, because they don’t get dinner on the table, because they don’t serve “enough” that day, or because their house isn’t spotless. They just feel like they are never enough. This is one thing that I have felt stronger than ever during this process. Your emotions are so up and down when you are grieving, and when you are grieving a miscarriage, your hormones are added to that grief. There have been days that I have wanted to disappear completely and then days where I wake up feeling good and grateful. I have felt so guilty about being down and not wanting to play, I have felt guilty about my emotions getting the best of me and even more allowing my patience to be lost. That guilty feeling at times can really overwhelm me, just as this mother in the story was overwhelmed. When I start to feel guilty, I will try my hardest to be a “PERFECT” mother and wife. My house will be perfectly clean (perfect wife), but then my children are neglected. I will play all day with the kiddos (perfect Mom), but then my house is neglected. It really is difficult to be “PERFECT” at anything.
As the story continues, the man and his wife have a very long conversation and come to the conclusion that she did not completely understand the core of the gospel….The Atonement (Christ’s suffering for our sins). She didn’t understand that perfection is NOT required out of us. It NEVER will be, because it will NEVER happen. We just need to try our best and Christ makes up for the rest. We need to be OK with that. He continued to say, What good is a Savior if he can’t save us? We need not only believe IN Christ, we need to BELIEVE HIM.
I have tried so hard to ponder on this, this last week and especially the last few days. How do I turn my pain over to Him? I can’t let His suffering for me be in vain. There are times where I feel like I am starting to grasp this concept, and then at other times I go back to questioning what he wants from me and why he wants me to go through this. With that being said, I know he knows I am trying my best. I know he understands me. I NEED to try my best and leave the rest up to him! I need to STOP striving for perfection. It’s NOT going to happen. I need to BE OK with the fact that I can’t do it all, but I can try my best, and my best is good enough.
All of you Mommies, or others out there, who have been in my shoes. Whether it be that you are grieving and trying to be a mom or a dad at the same time, or whether it be that you feel guilty all the time for who knows what reasons, I am asking you to try to allow His atonement to heal you! You are trying your best, you love your children, love your husband or wife, love the Lord and simply can’t do it all perfectly. NOBODY CAN. Just try your best and leave the rest to Him. What you do is never unnoticed and means more than you will ever know. http://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/you-never-know
Please don’t make the mistake of allowing yourself to feel alone. I have very much made that mistake and am trying my hardest to learn how to BELIEVE HIM. He said He was my SAVIOR, He SUFFERED and DIED for me, He walked the streets as people SPIT IN HIS FACE, BEAT HIM, TORE HIM DOWN, CALLED HIM A LIAR, MOCKED HIM, PIERCED HIM WITH THORNS, and lastly NAILED HIM TO A CROSS! Who am I to allow his suffering to be in vain? He is my SAVIOR, my REDEEMER, my LIGHT, and HE LIVES! Andy showed us this movie on Saturday after celebrating our Lennon. It’s not long and it’s beautiful.
During this years Easter Holiday, please try to not only remember His resurrection, but also remember what he has done for you to try and take away some of those burdens. Don’t just BELIEVE IN HIM, BELIEVE HIM! It is through His wounds that we are healed.