The weeks leading up to “the day” were difficult. I knew they would be. So as you all know, I started a blog. Before I started the blog, I was feeling really down and having a hard time knowing what was going on in my head. I knew that I was down because of a second miscarriage. That was mostly just because I didn’t expect it. I also knew I was down because I was struggling with still grieving and then at the same time struggling with the unknown of the future. One day, The boys school director contacted me and let me know that I needed to get their tuition in. I have been super forgetful lately and was late on paying their tuition. It was embarrassing to me and I just needed to make sure she knew I wasn’t taking advantage of her. I went in to pay her, and somehow started talking to her about how I had been feeling. (if you remember, she lost a baby at 8 days old). I at times feel guilty for feeling so much pain when others have been through far worse. But, I have been set straight on that. It doesn’t matter what type of pain you are going through. It’s still pain and needs to be released. I was so grateful to her that day. I know that what she went through had to of been so much harder than what I have gone through. But I feel we all go through things, so in turn we can help others. She helped me to understand my pain and allowed me to cry to her. If she had never been through the awful pain she had been through, she wouldn’t of been able to help me the ways she did. After talking for a while, she told me that the next week and a half were going to be hard and that I would need support. She then asked me if she could say a prayer with me. She is a beautiful Christian woman of strong faith. Her prayer was so heartfelt and beautiful. I was so grateful that she was there for me at a time of need. I was shocked that I allowed myself to open up and talk. I am usually pretty private, but it felt so good and I know it had to of felt good to her, to help me. After that moment, I started thinking about a blog. Later that week I started it, in hopes that I could help others grieve the same way she helped me. The next week, the week I had dreaded, was hard, but I found strength in all of the support I was starting to get. I of course still had painful moments. One moment in particular was three days before “the day”. I was putting the boys to bed. Like always, we were all sitting on my oldest boys bed. I was sandwiched between the two of them reading to them.
I couldn’t help but imagine what could have been at this moment. I was picturing me sitting there with a HUGE belly. The boys would most likely be leaning on it, I would feel her push on them, they would start to giggle and then push back on her. I was thinking about how I would be feeling. Uncomfortable, of course, ready, and nervous to let my youngest grow up. I was thinking about all the change that would be happening and how nervous but excited that would make me. After all that thinking, I couldn’t help but feel sad. Here I was with an empty stomach and a broken heart. I then went in and talked to my most profound husband. He helped me to gain better understanding and be lifted. He was very faithful in what he said to me and helped me to gain perspective. I was grateful for that.
The next day I was driving the boys somewhere and Nixon, my oldest started asking me questions about “my baby girl” that’s what he likes to call her. This was the second time he had brought her up in the past week. The first time he was making some houses out of two big boxes and one small box. The small box he said was for his baby in heaven.
I’m not sure why he was starting to bring her up. Maybe he was sensing something from me, but I thought it was sweet. While we were in the car, Nixon said, “Mom, what happened to your baby girl? Why did she die?” I said ” I don’t know buddy, sometimes these things happen and sometimes we don’t know why.” he then said, “I think she died because you ate green beans. Babies in bellies eat what their mom eats, so I think it was green beans.” Ha! Ha! I couldn’t help but appreciate his innocence. I am also grateful that he knows about her and has seen her. It helps him to feel like he too can talk about her.
Those days came and went, and I had been thinking for so long what I wanted to do for that day. Her day. I wanted it to be special and something that could uplift us all.